1. R U Illiterate? Write today for free help.
(man……if only I knew A B C….)
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2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you’ll never go anywhere again.
(sure…thanx for the warning!)
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3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
(in months or years?)
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4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
(check it out)
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5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
(howwww sweeeet)
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6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
(wow! A free trip to heaven?)
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7. Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
(uh…huh!)
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8. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
(hey….who taught cows the bad habit??)
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9. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
(nice work)
Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you can not handle a raise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.
Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be
scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture
will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders” category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company’s mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input
should be directed elsewhere.
The Management
Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me..
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to
me.. Who is this?
Caller: I’m Sam Wan .. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It’s urgent.
Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone ! But
what’s this urgent matter
about?
Caller: Well… just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan
was involved in an accident.
Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital.
Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the
hospital, then the accident isn’t
an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don’t have time for
this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I’m Saw Ree ..
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry . Now give me your name!!
Operator: That’s what I said. I’m Saw Ree ..
Caller: Oh …..God…. …
From –
Good Wan!
Take a break……
This is Ultimate…… I bet u can’t stop laughing. These are profiles taken from shaadi.comthese are actual ads on a matrimony site. Grammar and spelling errors have no place in a profile description as everything is straight from the heart .Comments in Blue fonts
Disclaimer: I am not responsible if you forget your basic grammar after reading this mail.. .
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Hello To Viewers My Name is Sowmya , I am single i dont have male,If
any one whant to marrie to me u can visite to my home. I am not a good
education but i working all field in bangalore … if u like me u
welcome to my heart… when ever u whant to meet pls visit my resident
or send u letter..
Thanks
yours Regards Sowmya ~*~
(Truly yours)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
i want very simple boy. from brahmin educated family from Orissa state
she is also know about RAMAYAN, GEETA BHAGABATA, and other homework
What Homework???
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am a happy-go-lucky kind of person. Enjoys every moments of life. I
love to make friendship. Becauese friendship is a first step of love.
I am looking for my dreamboy who will love me more than i. Because i
love myself a lot. If u think that is u then why to late come on
………hold my hand forever !!!
(The dilwale dulhaniya effect)
i am simple girl. I have lot of problem in my life because of my
luck. now i am looking one boy he care me and love me lot lot lot
(I don’t know why but this is one of my favorites)
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i want a boy with no drinks if he wants he can wear jeans in house but
while steping out of house he should give recpect to our cast
(by not wearing his jeans? What the hell…)
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HYE I AM A GOOD LOKING GIRL,WHO HAS THE CAPABILITY TO MAKE ANY BODY TO
LOUGH.I BELIEVE IN GOD AND ACCORDING TO ME FRIENDS ARE THE REAL
MESSENGER OF GOD. THE 3 THINGS I AM LOOKING FROM A BOY
THEY ARE
1. THEY MUST BELIEVE IN GOD.
2. THEY HAVE TO LIKE MY PROFFESION
3. THEY SHOULD NOT GET BORED WITH ME WHEN I WILL TRY TO MAKE THEM LOUGH.
(all of us are loughing {laughing})
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whatever he may be but he should feel that he is going to be someone
groom and he must think of the future life if he is toolike this he
would be called the man of the lamp
(I am clueless, I feel so lost. Can anyone tell me what this girl wants)
Infact she doesn’t know wat she wants ?.. ? A LAMP ? ?
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i love my patner i marriage the patner ok i search my patner and I
love the patner ok thik hai the patner has a graduate ok
(I am again clueless but I liked the use of ‘ok’. The person is
Suffering from ‘Ok-syndrome’) patner instead of partner..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
iam pranati my family histoy my two brother two sister and father &
Mother. sister completely married
(somebody please explain how to get marriedcompletely’?)
( Confused ????? )
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
my name is farhanbegum and i am unmarried. pleaes you marrige me
pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes pleaes
Height of desperation!
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iam kanandevi. i do own businas.one sistar.he was marred.
(No comments)
(Plz for gods sake ask somebody’s help in framing sentence )
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hello i am a good charactarised woman. i want to run my life happily.
i divorced my first husband. his charactor is not good’. i expect the
good minded and clean habits boy who may be in the same caste or other
caste accepted ….
(but credit cards not accepted..???)
(Perhaps Debit Cards accepted ?.. Clean Habit’s??????? Is there
anything like that.)
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I am Sharmila my colour is black, but my heart is white. i like social
service.
Zebra..???)
(Gosh!!!!!!!! she knows her heart color
Environment:
Poverty:
Population:
Humanity (Modern):
Terrorism (That is the flag of peace)+:
LOC Problem: (Drawing lines, trapping free birds)
Leader:
Suicide Scenario:
1. A particular model year of car wouldn’t be available until after that year instead of before it.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you’d have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would just die for no reason, and you’d have to restart it. For some strange reason, you’d just accept this.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a Car 95 or a Car NT. But then you’d have to buy more seats.
5. Sun Motorsystems would make a car that was powered by the sun, twice as reliable, and five times as fast – but it would only run on 5 percent of the roads.
6. The oil, engine, gas, and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single “General Car Fault” warning light.
7. People would get excited about the “new” features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for years.
8. We’d all have to switch to Microsoft gas.
9. The U.S. government would be GETTING subsidies from an automaker, instead of giving them.
10. New seats would force everyone to have the same-size butt.
IN PRISON
- you spend the majority of your time in an 8′X10′ cell .
- you get three meals a day (free).
- you get time off for good behavior.
- a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you ..
- you can watch TV and play games.
- they allow your family and friends to visit.
- all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
AT WORK
- you spend most of your time in a 6′X8′ cubicle
- you only get a break for one meal and probably have to pay for it yourself .
- you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.
- you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself .
- you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
- you can not even speak to your family and friends.
- You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.
My Dear Friends………….
True Friends always pop up to say Hello….
True Friends don’t Care if you’re a lil’ different…
True Friends never fight like cats and dogs…
True Friends will drive you anywhere!!!
True Friends let everyone come along….
True Friends don’t laugh at you when you get new glasses…
And True Friends never let you do something you’ll regret when you wake up the next morning!
HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY
Happy Friendship Day to You. May our friendship last till the existence of the Earth.
May our friendship grow and create a milestone in the history of friendship.
Three Cheers for our friendship!
Hip Hip HURRAY
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