USA
British
German
Russian
Chinese
Pakistan
&
Finally
INDIAN Police….
The School Answering Machine
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This is an answering machine message for a school.
The outgoing message:
Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your
school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff
member, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent – Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his work – Press 2
To complain about what we do – Press 3
To swear at staff members – Press 4
To ask why you didn’t get information that was already enclosed in
your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you – Press 5
If you want us to raise your child – Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone – Press 7
To request another teacher, for the third time this year – Press 8
To complain about bus transportation – Press 9
To complain about school lunches – Press 0
If you realize this is the real world and your child must be
accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work,
homework and that it’s not the teachers’ fault for your child’s lack
of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
If you want this in another language, move to a country that speaks it.
When a guy’s printer type began to grow faint, he called a local
repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer
probably needed only to be cleaned.
Coz the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be
better off reading the printer’s manual and trying the job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, “Does your boss know
that you discourage business?”
“Actually, it is my boss’s idea,” the employee replied sheepishly.
“We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix
things themselves first.”
Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost “in a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued.. and WON! (Stay with me.) Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire” and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the “fires”. NOW FOR THE BEST PART.. After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON (Arson is the crime of deliberately and maliciously setting fire to structures or wildland areas.) With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest. ONLY IN America!
American businessman was at a pier in a small coastal Mexican village
when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small
boat were several large yellow-fin tuna. The American complimented the
Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch
them.
The Mexican replied only a little while, The American then asked why
didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish?
The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.
The American then asked the Mexican how he spent the rest of his time.
The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my
children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village
each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a
full and busy life, senor.”
The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You
should spend more time fishing and, with the proceeds, buy a bigger
boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several
boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of
selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the
processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the
product, processing and distribution.
“You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move
to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your
expanding enterprise.”
The Mexican fisherman asked, “But senor, how long will this all take?”
To which the American replied, “15-20 years.”
“But what then, senor?” asked the Mexican.
The American laughed, and said, “That’s the best part! When the time
is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the
public. You’ll become very rich, you would make millions!”
“Millions, senor?” replied the Mexican. “Then what?”
The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal
fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with
your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the
evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your
amigos.”
Then the Mexican Fisherman says: THEN WHAT AM I DOING NOW
| How To Kill English ……
Principal to student…” I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigarette…? ” ********************************************************************* Class teacher once said : ” pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin!!!” ******************************************* once Hindi teacher said….”I’m going out of the world to America..” ******************************************* “..DON’T TRY TO TALK IN FRONT OF MY BACK..” ******************************************* don’t..laugh at the back benches…otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down…… ******************************************* it was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.. She tried to switch the fan on, but there was some problem. and then she said ” why is fan not oning” (ing form of on) ******************************************* teacher in a furious mood… write down ur name and father of ur name!! ******************************************* “shhh… quiet… the principal is revolving around college” ******************************************* My manager started like this “Hi, I am Madhu, Married with two kids” ******************************************* “I’ll illustrate what I have in my mind” said the professor and erased the board ******************************************* “will u hang that calendar or else i’ll HANG MYSELF” ****************************** ************* LIBRARIAN SCOLDE ,” IF U WILL TALK AGAIN , I WILL KNEEL DOWN OUTSIDE” ******************************************* Chemistry HOD comes and tells us… “My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter” ******************************************* Tomorrow call ur parents especially mother and father ******************************************* “why are you looking at the monkeys outside when I am in the class?!” ******************************************* Lab assistant said this when my friend wrote wrong code.. “I understand. You understand. Computer how understand?? ******************************************** Seeing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class.. “Keep quiet, the principal has passed away” ******************************************** Teacher to Girl Student: Yesterday you were lying (lie) with the principal and today you are lying (lie) with me?? ******************************************** Teacher to student: I will catch you and jump out of the window. (Teacher tried to tell a student that he will hold the student and throw him out of the class.) ******************************************** Teacher to Girl Student: Meet me behind the school (after the school |
This American guy started the day early having set his alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am.
While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA)
Was shaving with his electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG)
He put on a dress shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA),
designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE)
and tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA)
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA)
he sat down with his calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO)
to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN)
to the radio
(MADE IN INDIA)
he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY)
filled it with GAS
(from Saudi Arabia)
and continued his search
for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging
and fruitless day checking his Computer
(Made In Malaysia),
John decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL)
poured himself a glass of wine
(MADE IN FRANCE)
and turned on his TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA),
and then wondered why he can’t find
a good paying job in AMERICA
AND NOW HE’S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP
FROM A PRESIDENT MADE IN KENYA!
Has anyone been to Andra Pradesh to see this tree for real?
At a glance you may be confused the above tree with a massive trunk with a ‘Baobab’ tree (which is renowned to possess the largest tree trunks of the world) but, this is yet another unknown specie which is seen in the close proximity of a hermitage deep in the dense forest in ‘Andra Pradesh’ in India.
Now have a close look at the bark and experience the unbelievable figures of creatures engraved in the surface of the entire tree trunk!!
Absolutely real!!!
Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man)
If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a
man, and if its a male then feel proud of after reading it!
“One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a
river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord
appeared and asked, “Why are you crying?”
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he
needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
“Is this your axe?” the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, “No.”
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. “Is this your
axe?” the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, “No.”
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. “Is this your
axe?” the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, “Yes.”
The Lord was pleased with the man’s honesty and gave him all three
axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.
Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the
riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the
Lord again appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”
“Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!”
The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE “Is
this your wife?” the Lord asked.
“Yes,” cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious. “You lied! That is an untruth!”
The woodcutter replied, “Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said ‘no’ to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up
with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said ‘no’ to her, you would have come up
with my wife. Had I then said ‘yes,’ you would have given me all
three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three
wives, so THAT’S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE .”
The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and
honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.
That’s our story, and we’re sticking to it! – “WE ARE HONORABLE MEN!”
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