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Rajiv and Mona are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to
celebrate their 40th anniversary.

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces,
“Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our
engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency
landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be
able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be
rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our
lives!”

Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.

An hour later Rajiv turns to his wife and asks, “Mona, did we pay our
Rs 5 lakh deposit cheque yet to ICICI Bank?”

“No, sweetheart,” she responds.

Rajiv, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, “Mona, did we
pay our ICICI Bank Master card yet?”

“Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the cheque,” she says.

“One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques for the car
loan to them too this month?” he asks.

“Oh, forgive me, Rajiv,” begged Mona. “I didn’t send that one, either.”

Rajiv grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 40 years, Mona pulls
away and asks him, “So, why did you hug me?”

Rajiv answers, “We are saved, they’ll definitely find us!”

22. Use Nope for No and Yep for Yes.

21. Tries to use credit card in road side hotel.

20. Drinks and carries mineral water and always speaks of health conscious.

19. Sprays deo such so that he doesn’t need to take bath.

18. Sneezes and says ‘Excuse me’.

17. Says “Hey” instead of “Hi”.
Says “Yogurt” instead says “Curds”.
Says “Cab” instead of “Taxi”.
Says “Candy” instead of “Chocolate”.
Says “Cookie” instead of “Biscuit”.
Says ” Free Way ” instead of “Highway”.
Says “got to go” instead of “Have to go”.
Says “Oh” instead of “Zero”, (for 704, says Seven Oh Four Instead of Seven
Zero Four)

16.Doesn’t forget to crib about air pollution. Keeps cribbing every
time he steps out.

15. Says all the distances in Miles (Not in Kilo Meters), and counts
in Millions. (Not in Lakhs)

14. Tries to figure all the prices in Dollars as far as possible (but
deep down the heart multiplies by 43 times).

13. Tries to see the % of fat on the cover of a milk pocket.

12. When need to say Z (zed), never says Z (Zed), repeats “Zee”
several times, if the other person unable to get, then says X, Y
Zee(but never says Zed)

11. Writes date as MM/DD/YYYY, on watching traditional DD/MM/YYYY,
says “Oh! British Style!”

10. Makes fun of Indian Standard Time and Indian Road Conditions.

9. Even after 2 months, complaints about “Jet Lag”.

8. Avoids eating more chili (hot) stuff.

7. Tries to drink “Diet Coke”, instead of Normal Coke.

6.. Tries to complain about any thing in India as if he is
experiencing it for the first time.

5. Pronounces “schedule” as “skejule”, and “module” as “mojule”.

4. Looks suspiciously towards Hotel/Dhaba food.

3. From the luggage bag, does not remove the stickers of Airways by
which he traveled back to India, even after 4 months of arrival.

2. Takes the cabin luggage bag to short visits in India, tries to roll
the bag on Indian Roads.

Ultimate one:
1. Tries to begin conversation with “In US ….” or “When I was in US…”

I have traveled across the length and breadth of India and I have not seen one person who is a beggar, who is a thief. Such wealth I have seen in this country, such high moral values, people of such calibre, that I do not think we would ever conquer this country, unless we break the very backbone of this nation, which is her spiritual and cultural heritage, and, therefore, I propose that we replace her old and ancient education system, her culture, for if the Indians think that all that is foreign and English is good and greater than their own, they will lose their self-esteem, their native self-culture and they will become what we want them, a truly dominated nation.”

But accidentally the call went to a cricket stadium.

He asked
“I am really worried … what is the condition? ”

He died after what he heard.

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Guess What would be the reply ….

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It is …

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” 7 are already out.

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3 More will be out hopefully by lunch.

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and ……………………………

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The first one was a DUCK. ”

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren’t really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn’t work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free…

Maybe. . .we were supposed to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that, when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe . . . when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, often times, we look so long at the closed door that we don’t even see the new one which has been opened for us.

Maybe . . . it is true that we don’t know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don’t know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe . . . the happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe . . . the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can’t go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.

Maybe . . . you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go, be what you want to be, because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of, and want to do.

Maybe . . . there are moments in life when you miss someone — a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child — so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real, so that once they are around you appreciate them more.

Maybe . . . the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you’ve ever had.

Maybe . . you should always try to put yourself in others’ shoes. If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.

Maybe . . you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.

Maybe . . . giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back. Don’t expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn’t, be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe . . . happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

Maybe . . . you shouldn’t go for looks; they can deceive; don’t go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Maybe . . you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy

Maybe . . . you should try to live your life to the fullest because when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling but when you die, you can be the one who is smiling and everyone around you crying.

Maybe . . . you could send this message to those people who mean something to you, to those who have touched your life, to those who can and do make you smile when you really need it, to those who make you see the brighter side of things when you are really down, and to all those whom you want to know that you appreciate them and their friendship.

And if you don’t, don’t worry; nothing bad will happen to you.

ADULT

A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR

A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL

Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS

The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST

Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST

Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF

Cold Storage.

INFLATION

Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO

An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN

Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET

Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON

A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE

The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW

One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN

An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES

Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

Teen age:
Have Time + Energy …but No Money

Working Age:
Have Money + Energy …but No Time

Old age:
Have Time + Money …but no Energy

1) Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

2) Software Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

3) Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4) Client is the one who doesn’t know why he wants a baby.

5) Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6) Resource Optimization Team thinks they don’t need a man or woman; they’ll produce a child with zero resources.

7) Documentation Team thinks they don’t care whether the child is delivered, they’ll just document 9 months.

Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.

9) Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the Right baby.

10) HR is a person who thinks that a donkey can deliver a human baby if given 9 months

Question and the Answer given by Candidates, oh sorry, they are IAS Officers now.
Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?

A.Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)

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Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?

A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank Opted for IFS)

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Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?

A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)

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Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?

A. It is not a problem, since you will never find! an elephant with one hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)

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Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?

A. No Probs , He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)

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Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?

A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)

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Q. What looks like half apple ?

A : The other half. (UPSC – IAS Topper )

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Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?

A : Dinner.

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Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?

A : It caused a revolution.

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Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?

A : Liquid (UPSC 33Rank )

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Interviewer said “I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one really difficult question.
Think well before you make up your mind!” The boy thought for a while and said, “my choice is one really difficult question.”
“Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this.
“What comes first, Day or Night?”

The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depends on his answer, but he thought for a while and said, “It’s the DAY sir!”

“How” the interviewer asked, “Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult question!”

He was selected for IIM!